apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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