I used to practice getting hit by cars.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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