so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
