The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize