I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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