I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
