you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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