Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
