You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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