I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
