i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
