she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
