Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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