What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You dont lie about slip and slides
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
