my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize