I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
