I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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