I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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