I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
