You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
