I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
