I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
