Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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