Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
