Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
