If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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