the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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