I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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