Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
