so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
