I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
