Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
