He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
