my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
