I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
