I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
