Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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