His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
