About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
