there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
