Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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