I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize