I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
