she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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