The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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