You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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