I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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