i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
