i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
