the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
