well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
