I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
