this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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