maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
