Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
