Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
