there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize