Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
