my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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