Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
