thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
