Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
